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Annoyed Film Review
Spider-man: No Way Home
Director: Jon Watts
Release year: 2021
Runtime: 2h46m
"Enter the Multiverse.
Peter Parker is unmasked and no longer able to separate his normal life from the high-stakes of being a super-hero. When he asks for help from Doctor Strange the stakes become even more dangerous, forcing him to discover what it truly means to be Spider-Man." --Letterboxd description
Jon Watts more like Jon Watts the Hell
i literally dont know where to start....
like man listen i LOVE spider-man as much as and/or possibly more than the next guy; ive read nearly every single issue from the original comic run and ive liked the other film interpretations of him. all id like to know is WHEN we will stop thinking expensive production/high quality cgi adaptation = GOOD adaptation :<
at this point a fanmade film could literally just be ten minutes of someone in a temu spider-man suit walking around a street and then shitting in a bag and throwing it at a criminal and as long as he didnt interact with the GYATT DAYM MULTIVERSE id rate it 2william stars on every platform.
i'm not stupid enough to not acknowledge its a miracle my favourite comic book character sells well and thus is able to have these big movies made of him, but that doesnt mean i want to settle for a film that is a character assasination masquerading as a box office hit behind fun cameos and call-backs. there are many things i could nitpick in this movie and you know what? i fucking will so here we go:
the whole movie amounts to NOTHING. literally the whole plot is REDUNDANT. the whole mess could have been avoided with 1 (one) email. maybe even a vouch from an avenger which we know peter has interacted with, even if only briefly at the funeral. his ties to stark industries would not have died with tony stark; he still had happy, who could have brought any issues up with pepper.
easily avoidable plotlines are fun only if theres a clear reason that path taken was the only feasible one; for example, in the star wars prequels, anakin's fall to the dark side (spoiler alert amirite fazgang) is easily avoidable in many ways that are referenced in the films, i.e padmé suggesting asking obi-wan for help, anakin being told to wait in the council chamber, padmé, once again, pleading anakin to come with her and leave and more, all of which dont end up changing the course of the story due to, SPECIFICALLY, anakin's pride and refusal to ask for help. however, in this film, it seems the only thing that makes the plotline unavoidable is plot convenience which for me, while i would mostly let it slide in other movies, in the context of the sheer amount of grievances i have with THIS movie, is just... not enough.
am i surprised peter thought to seek out dr strange instead of just emailing MIT? honestly, no. hes not stupid but hes a dumbass so really i guess that makes sense.
dr strange going along with it however? no excuse.
my Brother in Magical Christ, even if we ignore that just going along with this teenagers idea is incredibly out of character considering how careful you are in everything else relating to magic and reality trickery, you have a Doctorate. you were a Brain Surgeon. though obviously you must not have been a very GOOD one if your concentration is broken by a Single Teenager jabbering away at you while you cast the spell. and even then, oh, the teenager jabbering his changes at you is a problem? ok how about you jsut fucking sit down and hash out the details before you go and cast a reality altering spell? is that too much to fucking ask ? you cannot honestly convince me that any of that shit makes sense literally no amount of excuses will make up for how unbelievably fucking stupid this whole plotline is and it sets up the WHOLE MOVIE. HELLO ??? YOU ARE A FULL BLOWN ADULT. a TEENAGER just told you he wants to CHANGE REALITY. you said YES ??????????????????? whatever
and thats another thing!!!!
i loved seeing andrew garfields beautiful visage and tobey maguires vaguely hobbit-adjactent features but cool cameos are not worth the sacrifice of good plot. say what you want yes they were FUN and yes i will concede the point that maguire's spider-man gave holland's spider-man good advice in not killing the goblin but like.
was there really NOTHING ELSE you could have done with the plot that wasnt a cash grab couple of cameos? or did you know the plot was too weak and ass and shit from a butt to be good without some good old celebrity nostalgia cameos? because admittedly garfield and maguire were the only things keeping my interest in the damn movie afloat at this point.
like yes haha cool cameo. so are you going to do anything meaningful or- ohh ok. so the aunts dead now. alright
now listen young grasshoppers. whippersnappers. babygirls babyboys and babytheys.
i understand death as a transformative experience. i understand death as a path to growth. but my stance on the cameos applies to this aswell; was there NOTHING ELSE you could do to progress spider-man's character development that wasn't another Death in the Family? or did you know the plot was too weak and ass and shit from a butt to be good without killing off his only family for some good old shock factor and stabbing-to-the-heart in all the die hard middle aged marvel fans?
and you cant even argue that it makes the whole forgotten identity aspect better because respectfully i do not give a gaf about MJ and Ned in this situation. all my love to them and power to platonic love absolutely but now youve basically severed peter from having anything that encourages him to do better. yes he can do stuff in aunt mays memory and yes that can push him to do better but she is Incredibly Deceased, ultimately she cannot care about his decisions.
I will always maintain in any plotline that an alive but distant motivator is so much more powerful than a dead and gone one. the threat of someone still realistically in reach seeing what youve become is much more hard-hitting than only being able to learn to be strong yourself. i do still think learning to stand for yourself is important and can be a great message but at this point ill be honest im salty.
so, jon watts, how are you gonna dig yourself out of this weird hole?
hes in the wilderness of The Big Apple, naked and afraid if you will, and he has no real reason to keep going. he has no social security number, no money, no ID, no governemnt presence, no community presence and may i reiterate NO SOCIAL SECURITY.
and you know what jon??? if i may call you that Mister Could-Arguably-Be-Barely-Considered-To-Qualify-As-Such-A-Thing-If-Measuring-Ability-To-Competently-Craft-A-Compelling-Plot-Without-Skimping-Out-For-Money Director Sir?
this would be a GREAT place to introduce a street level story. you know what else is street level? you know WHO else is street level? mr daddydevil himself and i swear to god if i dont see that blind man in this movie im throwing a pipe bomb at the theatre screen (kidding if that wasnt obvious)
so.
as a final statement in this massive, angry, upset and dissapointed review, at this point to fix this movie youd end up with a ship of theseus-type situation. to replace all the bad parts would be to make an entirely different movie. and to that i say i dont fucking care build the new ship this movie is ass
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